The Once Still Voice

I had lunch with a dear friend recently and of course we were talking about books, reading, Star Trek, reading Star Trek books and writing. His son writes every day he said and I asked him why he wasn’t writing (as he used to write  many moons ago). He said he didn’t think his life was interesting enough to write about. “Au contraire” I said, or maybe I just punched him in arm and said ‘that s stupid’. He is articulate, incredibly well read, loves a good, meaty, juicy debate and mostly I think he needs to find his voice to make that connection to who he is, really is. I love this man and I know him……well. So all day I thought about his voice and where it had gone and then I read a lovely blog post from http://bornbyariver.wordpress.com/2012/08/06/what-i-have-forgotten/ about losing things on this journey we call Life, things that gave us joy and why we lose them.  And this morning I had a conversation with a client & friend (as most of my clients become) about her putting her self to the side while focusing on the life, wants and needs of others. So after a day of the universe trying to tell me something…trying to tell me to write about this…what ever this is. Here I sit typing madly and spewing out words feverishly then stopping and realizing “I can’t put that out there”  “What if someone actually reads it”? delete delete delete ...

Deep personal thoughts are not my thing. It isn’t that I don’t have them, trust me I do, but I simply can’t express them for the whole of humanity (or my friends and family) to read.

so maybe I will write about you today…no one would know it was you, or would they? Maybe I will just keep my thoughts of you private and only for my eyes. Sometimes when we’re together I hold back, even from just sitting close or laying my hand on yours. Like right now I am holding back writing the thoughts that I have good, bad, naughty or nice..Because too close for us is too close. Lines we can’t cross……

How do we lose it? This thing that brings us joy, that expression of who we are. Maybe it’s some form of art we no longer ‘do’ whether it’s writing or painting or even dancing.

spinning, swirling, swaying my body to the rhythm  of the music only I can hear….all in the confines of my kitchen. Singing along with the words that stream through my mind, complete with bouncing ball.

It must be some type of fear that keeps us from finding our self-expression, our expression of self. Fear of being laughed at? Perhaps.

it certainly is one of my fears, being ridiculed, embarrassed  As a child it seemed nothing I did was right, older sisters had either already done it, or had done it better. 

Fear of failure or of coming up short, of not having all the correct information.

like speaking up in a group only to be told that didn’t make sense or wasn’t correct.

How do we manage to get here, to this place of silence, of self-repression. I really do envy the writers who seem to be completely free to express everything.

Maybe I just don’t have anything to say ……….nah, nope that s not it.

~c~

Oh Shanti

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Writing is easy: All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. ~Gene Fowler

                                                                       

I promised myself I would write every day, however I made nooo promises about writing anything worth posting everyday. So here I am struggling to write something and I can’t even come up with a ‘Gratitude’ post. Oh I am grateful for so many things but write about them, who the  heck wants to hear about that (little voice/ back of the head/ stompstompstomp)…….. Everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.  ~Sylvia Plath

Some days writing comes easy. Like an unexpected rain on a sunny day inspiration pours out and flows, sweet and rich, on to the page like warm honey. And on others it’s like treasure hunting at Fort Knox and all you have are an old spoon and a rusty chisel. It would appear this is one of those days. And so I breathe.

Stuck, inflexible & blocked, the mind too busy to sit in stillness long enough to allow thoughts and ideas to jell, to solidify into content. So I breathe, long slow gloriously full breaths, giving myself permission to feel the sensations that are the inhale. The inhale melts the sticky substances that hold my thoughts and ideas, giving them up to the light. And on the exhale they escape out into the ‘verse; allowed to fly they may someday find their way to paper and if not they are at least free.

 Om Shanti

Butternut Squash Soup YUM!

I make a mean Butternut squash soup and I have tried to write down my “so-called” recipe. But when you write the way you cook it sounds like this…..

Peel and chop up squash, roast it , oh wait toss it with EVOO  and a little salt, then roast it. Oh and along with the squash roast a small sweet onion, a couple of smallish carrots, a sweet potato and a couple of apples. No garlic, yes I know your thinking WHAT! She puts garlic in everything. But really, it just doesnt work in this soup, the garlic over powers the squash. Maybe some day I will try it will a mild, roasted, sweet elephant garlic but until then leave it out. Trust me. So the stuff roasts until, well …when it’s done. When the veggies are golden brown and have rendered some sweet veggie sugars into the bottom of the pan. OH WAIT, go back. Before you put the veggies in the oven, line your roasting pan with foil. As I was saying, when the veggies are fork tender put them into a soup pot with just enough veggie broth to barely cover the top of the squash. Use a little of the broth to deglaze the roasting pan of all the veggie goodness. Set your stove on medium heat and get out your immersion blender. Blend to your little hearts content. Sometimes I like my soup creamy and sometimes I like it with more texture, it is all up to you and your taste buds.  You have an immersion blender right? Well if you don’t you can just put the veggies in a blender, in batches, and wrrrrrrr away until they are smooth adding just enough broth to make it easier to blend, add it all back to the soup pot. Voila! Soup! Add salt and white pepper to taste. To serve it sprinkle the top with a little curry powder or cayenne pepper. Maybe swirl in some sour cream, Creme fraiche or greek yogurt. You can also top it with fresh herbs.

This goes great with a side salad of autumn greens top with slivered almonds and garlic cheese toast on the side. You know I had to bring garlic to the table somehow. What kind of cheese toast you ask? Well how about a nice mild camembert or creamy goat cheese, lightly browned under the broiler.

There you go, a great vegetarian (vegan if you leave out the cheese and wrrrr some garbanzo beans into the soup, but thats another post) dinner or lunch, heck I’d eat it anytime YUM.

Om Shanti

Cheryl